I’M A GROWN ADULT, AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MANAGE MY MONEY.

It’s embarrassing to admit. Let’s be honest, talking about money has been taboo for centuries, and most people still avoid it. It’s bigger than numbers; it’s pride, it’s shame. The moment you open up about your finances, it feels like you’ve put a label on yourself.

Money places you on a hierarchy - whether you’re a have or a have not. Whether you’re worth something. It’s something measurable that goes beyond good looks, intelligence or work ethic. It’s cold and it’s hard and it says so much more about you than you think.

I’ve had a weird relationship with money my whole life. Growing up, money was murky, confusing, stressful and… slippery. I learned real quick that money was a don’t ask, don’t tell subject, that it was hard to come by and even harder to hold onto. At school, I remember the exact lesson they tried to teach us about budgeting. I was 13 years old and I’d always struggled with maths, but this seemed laughable. As if you could control your money like that!

The narrative started there; telling myself I was bad with money, bad with numbers and I would always just get what I was given. That story became my identity.

I got my first job at 15, and my money mindset was locked in. I worked at a supermarket on a training wage, with the promise that after a few months I’d move up to minimum wage. The raise never came, and I never asked. I just kept working underpaid, assuming I had no control. That mindset followed me into every job after - I never negotiated, never questioned - I just accepted whatever was offered and felt grateful that someone wanted to pay me at all. I believed that money was out of our control. Someone else was always calling the shots.

I sidestepped through a few jobs, choosing what made me happy and accepting minimum wage with a smile. And when I did get paid, I managed it like I was playing with pretend money. No savings accounts, no systems. Everything came into one account and went straight back out again. I was living paycheck to paycheck, always scraping by.

I moved to London and I lived in my overdraft. I’d overspend, then survive on baked beans and noodles for a week. I distinctly recall taking out my first credit card to take a solo trip to Tenerife after a break up, and I spent the whole trip panicking with every transaction, waiting for the card to decline. I was living on the edge.

I floated through my 20s in financial survival mode, never even considering my future, fully entrenched in the belief that I didn’t earn enough to be the kind of person who had savings.

The thing was, if I earned more, I’d spend more. If I earned less, I’d scrape by. Either way, I’d end up with nothing left. And I was doing it to myself. 

I had friends who had savings. And I was full of shame. I dated men who had money. And I felt powerless. 

It wasn’t until I became a single mum that the full weight of my financial illiteracy hit me. Suddenly, I was the one responsible for a household, and I had no systems, no savings, no real understanding of money. I repeated the same patterns: one bank account, no plan, holding money tightly out of fear and then blowing it to feel better. I told myself, I just don’t earn enough. But the truth was, I didn’t know how to manage what I had.

Looking back, I can see how often I stayed in a victim mindset. I told myself the story of being helpless, being a down-on-her-luck single mum, convincing myself that I couldn’t save, couldn’t invest, couldn’t change. And while yes, there were times when things truly were touch and go, often I was simply avoiding the shame of facing how careless I’d been.

That’s the hardest part to admit: I’d let myself down. I’d let people underpay me. I’d been negligent. I’d let partners control the finances. I’d let myself live in denial and bury my head in the sand. It hurts to own that.

But shining a light on that shame feels like the only way forward.

I know now why my relationship with money has always been so strained. My bank balance was saying something about me alright - I couldn’t trust myself with money. Being broke was my comfort zone. I wasn’t making my life harder on purpose, I was just doing what felt most comfortable. 

It was never actually about how much money I had (although, damn, I really should have learnt to advocate for myself), it was the way I felt about it. And money has always felt out of my control.

And now, I gotta forgive the past. I’ve got to let go of the fact that I’ve been asleep at the wheel most of my life; acting out of habit, living by my limiting beliefs. And I’ve gotta learn what they were trying to teach me decades ago: how to budget, how to save, how to grow money. Not because I need a Scrooge McDuck coin pool to feel successful, but because I want control. Because I want to feel safe, reliable, and capable - for myself, for my family and for my kids.

So this is where I start. Learning to budget like a thirteen year old. No shame. Learning to manage what I have. Without fear. Learning how to be good with money, even though it feels like I’m fighting against myself to do it. 

It’s taken me 38 years to get here, but this is where the change begins.